Koa, why are you smiling?

The article that follows was written by my 11-year old daughter. She loves to see what I'm doing and was interested in my blog. She wanted to add an entry of her own and this is what she came up with. Koa is our 4 year old Golden Retriever. A future blogger is in the making!

Koa, why are you smiling?

As my mom was rushing to complete the last of the classroom party planning for my fifth grade class, our dog Koa snuck some essentials. As usual, my mom made a treat for everyone in the class - a cupcake. Okay, so if we left the cupcakes right there, at dog eye level, nothing could go wrong – or would they? Our dog is, overall, very well behaved. Except for those very rare occasions like getting muddy when she was a puppy, or running out to the front yard when the door bell rings. Well, this particular morning as my mom was getting things loaded in the car to bring to the class party, it was a very special occasion. Koa, our golden retriever, decided it was a very happy one at that. As my mother was touching up frosting, and putting ties on the goodie bags, Koa trotted in the dining room. Because the only person in the house was my mom, Koa had the dining room to herself.

Well, as my mom continued her duties, she gazed over to see Koa, smiling. Koa rarely smiles, and so this was funny and special. But as my mom was beginning to leave the room, she realized half of the cupcakes on a platter were missing. How could this be? 48 cupcakes were all sitting, ready for delivery, but then, only 36 awaited? But wait, Koa was SMILING! No one else was home! Our guess, which seems to be extremely reasonable, is that our cute, innocent puppy ate about 12 cupcakes, all by herself - wrappers and all. Now, all food has to be pushed to the center of the table, and no food is even allowed to touch the dining room table without guidance when our little food moocher is out and about.

The Itch is Back!

I've got an itch, got an itch, yes the itch is baacck! I don't know why songs pop into my head (like Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" --this youtube video will get you singing) when lice show up in my home but they do. Twice in 2009-are you kidding me?? I'm not sure if I am going to curl up into a ball and cry or try and find some humor in the fact that I seem to have horrible luck. I'm still debating....hmm maybe a glass of wine will help me with that or some kind of happy pill.

And wouldn't you know, I had all of my kids farmed out for SLEEPOVERS for tomorrow night! I was all set to go out on a date with my husband. One where we didn't have to worry about getting home early for the babysitter. Do you know how hard this is to pull off? I have 4 kids! Now, I've got disappointed (and when I say disappointed, I mean BALLING) kids on my hands. Where is that glass bottle of wine?

My Take on Rewards & Punishments

Last week I went to the Unconditional Parenting—Beyond Bribes and Threats presentation by Alfie Kohn held at the San Jose Events Center.  I had heard about it through our school’s PTA.   It was promoted as a great opportunity to see this well-known educator who has been featured on Oprah and has published numerous parenting books.

Honestly, I had never heard of him.  But given the Oprah connection and the sheer number of books he has written, I thought it would be good to listen to his take on parenting.  I was intrigued to hear his approach and was hoping I would receive concrete examples of alternative methods to bribes and threats.   I must admit, that I am the queen of bribes (I like to think of them as rewards) and have been known to put my kids in a time out or two and quite frankly I never really thought of these as poor parenting methods. 

Well, after listening to Alfie's presentation I am certain I would not win Parent of the Year in his book. I am not so sure that I agree with his philosophy that bribes and threats are harmful.  I don’t see rewards as ultimately sending a message to my kids that they are only lovable when they please me.  I feel that rewards can be a motivator and a way to show my appreciation for my kids’ accomplishments.   I think it is o.k. to dangle a carrot (every once awhile) in order to get my kids to finish something, to try something new, or do their work.   I think the key is using rewards judiciously.

As far as punishments go, I can’t say I agree that I’m creating “temporary compliance.”   And if I am, is that so bad?  Sometimes, a time out is necessary, when my 8 year old son is having a tantrum or misbehaving.  I feel that this gives him an opportunity to cool off or to think about what he has done.   I don’t feel like he is being “sent into exile” when he needs me most.   I always go in and talk to him about whatever incident made him end up in his room and how things could have been handled differently.

Although I enjoyed his presentation and found him to be very entertaining, I didn't feel as though he offered any alternatives to bribes and threats. What I did walk away with was  some  helpful parenting advice.  His "working with" approach was a great reminder that as parents we need to be flexible and creative in how we interact with our children.  He reminded me that I don't need to be so rigid with my rules, that sometimes I can say "yes" even when my initial reaction is to say "no."   That sometimes, it is better to ask than to tell and that imagining how things look from my child's point of view could uncover things I might not have seen.  

All and all, I left the presentation with a few parenting nuggets.  I even had an "Alfie" moment last week, when my kids decided that they wanted to go swimming after school.  Instead of expounding on all the reasons they shouldn't, I just let them jump into that frigid water.  It didn't last long, but they had a great time.  

I guess the  beauty of parenting is we all have our different styles and philosophies and we are all on this journey together.  We read books, we solicit advice from friends, we go to lectures and we pull together an amalgamation of philosophies to create our own style that works for us and for our children.  And (fingers crossed) our efforts help to shape and raise happy, well-adjusted, independent, self-confident human beings.

 

 

 

Cartwheel Conundrum

A few weeks ago my daughter came to me asking for help.  She didn’t want me to help her with a math problem, spelling words, or writing assignment--- she wanted help learning how to do a cartwheel.  I guess during lunch many of her friends spend their free time turning cartwheels in the grass and she wanted to be able to join in on the fun.

For some kids, this is a simple gymnastic maneuver.   For others, who are less athletically inclined, this is as difficult as doing a double back handspring.  Unfortunately, my daughter falls into the latter category.  Despite this fact,  she had a burning desire to learn what I thought was a simple move.  

I mistakenly thought, that given my cheerleading know-how, that I would be able to easily teach her how to do this.  I thought it would be one of those mother-daughter moments, you know like buying your daughter her first bra or teaching your daughter how to shave her legs--well maybe not to that degree but something along those lines.   I thought we would stand together in the grass and I would turn a perfect cartwheel as my daughter watched on only to replicate it moments later.  

Well, it did not go that way at all.   My 41 year old body is not as flexible as it once was, but I managed to  demonstrate a few cartwheels for her (and nearly pulled a muscle).    She then tried to do a few on her own (which looked like a cross between a scrunched up handstand and a hop) and became very frustrated.  She had a hard time straightening out her legs.  Mentally, there is something scary about turning yourself upside-down.  

When my visual examples didn’t work, I then tried my best to break down the steps for her.  I thought it would be easy to explain, but I found out that it is not.  My instructions went something like this…..  Place your right hand down first, while kicking up your legs one at a time, now place your left hand down, while twisting your body and make sure your legs come down one at a time.  I realize these are not the best directions, but it is really hard to explain.  Anyway, C. tried her best to follow these “easy” steps but couldn’t do it.  She managed to do a move that again  looked like a sideways hop.  Now she was REALLY getting frustrated (with herself and me).

My next idea was to go to the trusty internet and look-up a “how to” video on YouTube. We pulled up a video and watched as a perky teenager explained the components of a cartwheel. We went back outside with more determination and tried once again to master this move.  This time, it did look better but it still was not graceful or flowing by any means.

As tears of frustration began to well up in her eyes, I tried to remind her that doing a cartwheel is difficult and that with practice she would be able to turn with the best of them.  We decided that we would take a few minutes each day and practice.  It has been several weeks since we began this gymnastics journey and we are slowly moving along—putting one hand in front of the other---one foot at a time.

Mission Accomplished!

Spring is in the air and as the daffodils begin to bloom and the birds begin to sing their sweet melodies,  4th grade students across our Golden State are beginning their California Mission projects. Thankfully, my daughter's teacher gives the kids a choice to build a model or replica of an aspect of California history--it doesn't have to be a Mission (whew!).  

I've been through this rite of passage before and as I did two years ago, I hoped that my daughter would want to do ANYTHING but a California mission.  I've seen the missions that  "kids" built in years past and it is hard to believe that the kids did the majority of the work on their own--I'm talking mucho parent involvement.   My "assisting" in my son's Adam Smith biography pales in comparison to these mission projects where I'm sure an architect was consulted and power tools were used.

Imagine my surprise, when my darling daughter came home announcing that she would like to do a mission with her good friend (initially they were going to do a rancho but then they changed their minds--I think we dodged a bullet there too).  I quickly tried to play up the creative aspects of building a gold rush scene.  She didn't seem to want to budge.  I thought, o.k. she must have her heart set on a particular mission.  I can go along with this.   But when I asked her which mission she'd like to build, she had no idea.  I immediately thought fantastic, she can  still be steered in a new direction!  

I don't want to seem unwilling to let my daughter make her own choices, but I know first-hand how time consuming and difficult these projects can be.  I want her to do this project on her own (or with minimal involvement from me-- I have learned my lesson) and two 9 year olds, attempting to replicate the San Diego Mission (or whichever one they would have picked) in all it's glory would be difficult to pull off.   So after a quick phone call to my friend (who's daughter is my daughter's project partner) we agreed, that we would gently nudge the girls towards the excitement and thrills of the gold rush or to the mid-1800's mode of travel--a covered wagon.   We knew that these two options would be easier for the girls to build on their own and that all we would need to do is provide the materials and a little verbal guidance.

Mission accomplished, the girls decided to build a covered wagon scene.  They have until May to complete their project.  I'm sure they will meet several times to create their masterpiece, (which I'm sure will turn into more of a play date).  It may not be to scale and it may not actually roll, but at least it will be a project they will proudly call their own.

When the Market Goes Down, Invest in Memories

The other day I was lamenting with one of my dearest friends about the stock market. I could not see beyond my nose and only felt the total horror about the drop in my husband's and my financial portfolio. It's been steadily going down, down, down, (sing along to "I'm going Down, Down" with Bruce Springsteen), so far down it made me physically ill. I was equating our negative financial red hole and the disappearance of my severance package from two years ago with who I am. It felt like my 24 years of pension, 401K, and retirement went up in smoke. How bad is that, that something rather intangible was making me feel so ill and less of myself?

I had to reflect about this, as my friend made a sagacious comment that barely made it to my right ear. She said, "It's times like these that we have to invest in memories and more memories!" At first it didn't resonate loudly with me. I was too far invested in feeling depressed and unfortunately it was wearing on me like designer blues. But the next day, it suddenly hit me. What a wise comment my dear friend made. Investing in memories is something that no stock market or recession could control. We could make memories as a family no matter what, no matter how little money we had. As a matter of fact, we've been able to take some significant family vacations to wonderful locations at a fraction of the cost because my hard-working husband travels for work all the time and has a stash full of frequent flier miles and hotel points. I was proudly lamenting all while forgetting about a vacation we just had albeit with frequent flier miles. In fact, I realized I must have come across as pretty boastful.

In college I took a Chinese philosophy course that suddenly came back to me. This wonderful teacher gave us the example of losing a dollar bill. If you suddenly lost a dollar bill from your wallet, if it came flying out and a gust of wind blew it away too fast to re-snatch, how bad would you feel? What if it was a $20 bill? Or a $50 bill, would you feel worse the more you lost? Do we have too much attachment on things rather than memories? I realized with shock how strongly that I do. That my priorities are all screwed up to be quite frank. Despite my lasik surgery, I really wasn't seeing the purpose of my life clearly. The purpose of my life is not to accumulate more monetary wealth, more tangible possessions, more best selling products or more designer labels. I realize I have to start focusing more on a daily basis on letting go, -to stop putting a dollar figure on the value of what I do and who I am. The more I make does not mean I am a better person. It may seem to others that greater wealth means you are smarter, more beautiful, more popular, more famous, more something! Maybe it just means you are more greedy. I am more happy now than at any other time in my life. I am trying on new things in my life that have nothing to do with clothes. I am doing things I set out to do when I felt the freedom of retiring. I am writing on a regular basis, something I have always been passionate about. I am using my artistic skills, something I majored in because it came naturally but didn't pay the rent. My unfortunate and momentary lapse in my superficial being was stuck in the money trap. How lucky I am to have a friend who uttered the most meaningful statement during my memory recession. My inner peace was renewing. The Tao was returning. It feels nice to stop thinking that success is reflected by how much money we have (or don't have). The silver lining that was revealed from the constant bad headlines which initiated my negative thinking was awakened by my friend's words. Take the time to invest in memories with your loved ones and watch your happiness barometer soar.

Lessons Learned

Today I received an email from my son's 6th grade teacher regarding his recent biography report on Adam Smith.  The email was to alert me to the fact that his teacher did not feel that the report reflected my son's typical writing style and work.  Basically, the main message was  "I know you meddled in your son's paper and he did not write this on his own."  She then went on to say that she would give him a chance to rewrite the assignment and turn in his own work.

If you don't know who Adam Smith is (which I didn't until this report) he is considered the father of economics.  He was a Scottish philosopher who wrote The Theory of Moral Sentiments and The Wealth of Nations.  Pretty heavy stuff!   My son picked him because he thought it was cool that he "had something to do with money."  Unfortunately, when we went to the library to get books on this forward thinking, influential man, there was nothing to be found in the kids biography section.   Actually, we couldn't find any books on the man.  We did find one Industrial Revolution book in the adult reference section, that had a few pages on him. The librarian also tried to help us and the best she could do was to uncover a few articles in the online book section (which basically houses books that they no longer keep in print).

So with the very limited and complex information we were able to find, my son went home and tackled his paper.  After spending a couple of hours or so writing about Adam Smith, my son showed us his work.  He did well recounting the basic information on him (where he was from, his childhood, where he studied, etc.) but as far as his ability to explain how Adam Smith contributed to the world and the impact his philosophies had on today's economy, he struggled. I mean, he really struggled.  What he wrote didn't make any sense.  And when I read the book he had and the articles he printed, I understood why.  The information was extremely complicated and written at a college level.   Not to mention, Adam Smith's theories and philosophies are hard for anyone to wrap their head around, let alone an 11 year old.

And here is where we made the mistake....we got too involved (when I say "we" I mean my husband and I and when I say "involved" I mean we spoon fed him parts of his paper).  My husband and I each took turns helping our son "rework" his paper.  We sat with him and tried to explain the material.  We gave examples to explain the concept of a free market and "the invisible hand."  We tried to clarify what Adam Smith meant when he said "moral principles have social feelings or sympathies as their basis."  (I still don't get that one).  And in doing so, we helped write my son's paper and used words that were a red-flag to his teacher.  But boiling this information down to a 6th grade level is nearly impossible.  It is just too difficult to simplify into basic terminology.

While I agree, that this was not a paper that our son could call his own, I still feel that he learned more with our involvement than not.  His teacher wants him to rewrite the paper.  I emailed her to say that I support her suggestion that he write something on his own, but I would not have him rewrite a paper on this particular Influential Person.   It would just set him up for frustration and failure.   So the big lesson we learned is that we can't just take over.  That we should have tried our best to explain the concepts and then let our son put the information on to paper,  in his own words.  It wouldn't have been perfect and it might very well have been wrong but at least it would have been his own (and he wouldn't be stuck now having to read books on Henry Ford).  

Pampering On a Budget

I love getting a massage. I’m not the type who likes a massage that relaxes you so much that you fall asleep. I like a good, deep tissue rub. I need more than just tickles up and down my back. I want all those knots worked out of my tense shoulders and low back. I’m not one to indulge that often. For me, a massage is a special occasion activity—a way to celebrate my birthday or if we are on a vacation at a nice resort, an added bonus.

These days, I am singing a new tune. I am going to work out the kinks in my neck, the tightness in my lower back, and relieving stress through reflexology about once a month. How do I justify this extravagance? How can I treat myself so often during these tough economic times? Well, I found a great, inexpensive place, (actually, it was recommended to me by a good friend)—Health Massage Center.

Massage centers like this are popping up all over in our neck of the woods. Throughout the South Bay you can find a Happy Feet, Healthy Foot, Happy Foot Spa, or some variation of feet and happiness as easily as you can find a Starbucks. From the outside, most of these places seem a little suspect with their neon lights and dark windows (maybe I was a bit leery because I lived in SF and most of these massage businesses were not, you know legit massage businesses). Anyway, I would never have given the one in my neighborhood a second look had it not been for my friend. But given her glowing recommendation, I decided to give it a go. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.

For $20 you get an hour foot massage, which get this, starts at your head and ends with 15 minutes of an upper back massage (in one of those massage chairs). It was fantastic! The place is very clean and the chairs are comfortable. They do a very good job at creating a relaxing atmosphere (the lights are dim, soft music plays in the background and everyone whispers).

Anyway, the foot massage begins with your feet being placed in what looks like a mini wine barrel (with a plastic, disposable liner) filled with extremely hot water. As your feet get used to the water soak, the massage therapist begins with a scalp massage, which is great except for the one odd part (spoiler alert) where she sticks her fingers in your ears. I’m not sure what that is about, let’s just say I am not a fan and I warned you. Anyway, from your scalp they move on to rubbing your arms and then kneading your legs and working on your feet, topping it off with a nice back massage! If you want less time spent on your feet and for them to focus more on your back, you can do that too. They offer a 30 minute reflexology and 30 minute back massage (on a table that is curtained off).

So, if you need to get rid of some tension or just want to relax, run don’t walk to your nearest foot massage center. If it is anything like my neighborhood's Health Massage Center, you’ll be pleasantly surprised!

The Name on the Diploma that Really Matters

My 17 year old daughter came home today telling me about a conversation she had with a couple of her friends. They are all seniors in high school, and are at the stage in life where they are discussing colleges and their future. We live in an affluent area, and our schools are highly ranked. The public high school my daughter attends is a Gold Medal School as listed in the Top 100 High Schools in the 2009 US News and World Report. The children reflect the values of their parents and peers, and it is maddening to hear what the children are saying as if it is coming from their own brain, but I know it is from their parents.

My daughter's friend inferred that her choice of attending a State College versus a private or UC (University of California) school meant she had less drive, less capability and less intelligence to get into a "better" school. It wasn't said in so many words, but it was implied by saying, "Did you know so-and-so is going to a more well known school, she's really serious about her major (and you're not). This other girl went to a summer program last year and the year before that (and that basically means she's smarter and more ambitious than you because you didn't)." My daughter took it all in stride, as a matter of fact I think she even feels she has as secret. And that is, more CEOs, more extra-ordinary people, did not attend Ivy League schools like you might assume. I like to reference this study by the Center for College Affordability and Productivity. In particular, there is a study done just a couple of years ago that shows the declining dominance of Ivy League schools and the correlation between where the Fortune 100 CEOs went to college. Of the top 100 Fortune CEOs of companies in 2006, only 12 did their undergraduate work at an Ivy institution and 20 at a prestigious school. In other words, 88 CEOs went to other colleges, such as state colleges. In other words, the college does not determine success.

What I realize at this stage in my parenting is that children are not only influenced by name brand clothes, games and paraphernalia, but by "name brand" colleges. Another girl my daughter knows just got accepted to Stanford. Now that spells success in many ways. But when I had the chance to ask this girl what she wanted to ultimately be after she graduated, she said she might be a piano teacher. Now when was the last time you asked your child's piano teacher where she went to college? Did that determine who you chose for your child? Perhaps if you had a child prodigy it would, but then again, would you need a piano teacher if your child was a prodigy?

While I'm infuriated by the values my daughter's friend has, I'm also proud at the same time by how my daughter reacted and I realize my daughter is smarter than her high-SAT-scoring friend in ways that aren't measured by that test. And that's because she knows it's not the name of the school on her diploma that matters, it's HER name on the diploma that makes all the difference in the world. My daughter will leave a mark on this world with her artistic talent, and it's not because of the college she's attending or the label on her clothes. It's because she is true to herself, and knows it's not the where that matters.

Addendum: I just found this interesting post to share: Is College Worth it? by Michael Arceneaux

Tests on a Monday?

Why do teachers do this to our kids and us?  Why oh why do they have tests on a Monday? Don’t they understand that some families spend the weekend doing special things with their kids or just chillaxin and not at the local tutoring center?  

My 4^th grader doesn’t need to be worrying about a quiz or a chapter test on Monday.   For goodness sakes, she’s 9!  She should be enjoying playing with her Webkinz, riding her bike, and fighting, I mean playing with her brothers—not studying.  This weekend she had 3 chapters to review for a social studies quiz/test (she wasn’t exactly sure which one it was).  Granted the chapters were not that long but come on, couldn’t they do this later in the week?

My 6^th grader has also had his fare share of tests on Mondays.  He’s even had one after a 3-Day weekend.  That REALLY chaps my hide.  When we get these infrequent and well-loved, extended weekends, we often try and head to Tahoe or do fun day trips.  Do you know how hard it is to squeeze in studying for a test when you are trying to enjoy the snow?  It’s like trying to do a double black diamond on one ski, it rarely happens. 

Maybe I’m getting more riled up then I need to be. I suppose I get stressed out over these Monday tests because I feel like the onus is on me to get my kids to study.   They certainly are not going to stop playing their video games or watching T.V. to crack open their books.   And trying to carve out a little time on Saturday and then again on Sunday doesn’t work either.  Something always comes up and we/they end up cramming before bed.

I understand that now is the time to instill and teach study habits (although our last minute cramming sessions are not the best example).  I get that these tests and quizzes really don’t matter.  That the scores my kids get in 4^th and 6^th  grade are not going to impact what college they get into.   But I know that my kids notice who does well on a test and who does not.  And to have them end up on the right side of that fence, means they need to spend part of their weekend reviewing material. 

Maybe instead of ranting here, I should be complaining to my kids’ teachers.   I just feel that in a school district that prides itself on test scores, my concerns would fall on deaf ears.